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From the National Association of Realtors:
Home Improvements: COST VS VALUE :
http://www.realtor.org/rmomag.NSF/files/Cost_vs_Value06.pdf/$FILE/Cost_vs_Value06.pdf
Humor Section:
We believe it's important to laugh often
Ponderisms:
Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. But it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME stuff, why didn't he just buy dinner?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
Grab a calculator (you won't be able to do this one in your head)
1. Key in the first three digits of your phone number (NOT the Area
code)
2. Multiply by 80
3. Add 1
4. Multiply by 250
5. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number
6. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number again.
7. Subtract 250
8. Divide number by 2.
Do you recognize the answer ??
automatic water mister to keep produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you
hear the sound of thunder and the smell of fresh rain.When you approach
the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the scent of fresh
hay.When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and
the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.The
veggie department features the sound of a gentle breeze and the smell of
fresh buttered corn.I don't buy toilet paper there any more...
SO WHO IS DOING THE WORK?
The population of the USA is 300 million.
60 million are retired.
That leaves 140 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school.
Which leaves 55 million to do the work.
Of this there are 40 million employed By the federal government.
Leaving 15 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with other things.
Which leaves 12.2 million to do the work.
Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work for state and city governments.
And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188, 000 people in hospitals.
Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And there you are,
Reading jokes!
A man places an ad in the paper. It simply says "I need a women" The next day he receives 100,000 letters. They all say the same. "You can have mine"
HOW TO RECRUIT THE RIGHT PERSON FOR THE JOB?
Put about 100 bricks in some Particular order in a closed Room with an Open window.
Then send 2 or 3 candidates in The room and close the door.
Leave them alone and come back After 6 hours and then analyze The situation.
If they are counting the Bricks. Put them in the accounts Department.
· If they are recounting them. Put them in auditing.
· If they have messed up the Whole place with the bricks. Put them in engineering.
· If they are arranging the Bricks in some strange order. Put them in planning.
· If they are throwing the Bricks at each other. Put them in operations .
· If they are sleeping. Put them in security.
· If they have broken the bricks Into pieces. Put them in information Technology
· If they are sitting idle. Put them in human resources.
· If they say they have tried Different combinations, yet Not a brick has Been moved. Put them in sales.
· If they have already left for The day. Put them in marketing.
· If they are staring out of the Window. Put them on strategic Planning.
· And then last but not least. If they are talking to each Other and not a single brick Has been Moved. Congratulate them and put them In top management
All is Fair In Business
A shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own
opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read 'BEST DEALS.'
He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and
announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading 'LOWEST PRICES.'
The shopkeeper panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign
of all over his own shop. It read: 'MAIN ENTRANCE'
Subject: The Broken Mower
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, fishing or hunting for food, always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
Reheat Pizza
Heat up leftover pizza in a non-stick skillet on top of the stove, set heat to med-low and heat till warm. This keeps the crust crispy. No soggy micro pizza. I saw this on the cooking channel and it really works.
Easy Deviled Eggs
Put cooked egg yolks in a zip lock bag. Seal, mash till they are all broken up. Add remainder of ingredients, reseal, keep mashing it up mixing thoroughly, cut the corner tip of the baggy, squeeze mixture into egg. Just throw bag away when done easy clean up.
Expanding Frosting
When you buy a container of cake frosting from the store, whip it with your mixer for a few minutes. You can double it in size. You get to frost more cake/cupcakes with the same amount. You also eat less sugar/calories per serving.
Reheating refrigerated bread
To warm biscuits, pancakes, or muffins that were refrigerated, place them in a microwave with a cup of water. The increased moisture will keep the food moist and help it reheat faster.
Newspaper weeds away
Start putting in your plants; work the nutrients in your soil. Wet newspapers put layers around the plants overlapping as you go cover with mulch and forget about weeds. Weeds will get through some gardening plastic they will not get through wet newspapers.
Broken Glass
Use a dry cotton ball to pick up little broken pieces of glass - the fibers catch ones you can't see!
No More Mosquitoes
Place a dryer sheet in your pocket. It will keep the mosquitoes away.
Squirrel Away!
To keep squirrels from eating your plants sprinkle your plants with cayenne pepper. The cayenne pepper doesn't hurt the plant and the squirrels won't come near it.
Flexible vacuum
To get something out of a heat register or under the fridge add an empty paper towel roll or empty gif wrap roll to your vacuum hose. It can be bent or flattened to get in narrow openings.
Reducing Static Cling
Pin a small safety pin to the seam of your slip and you will not have a clingy skirt or dress. Same thing works with slacks that cling when wearing panty hose. Place pin in seam of slacks and - voila - static is gone.
Measuring Cups
Before you pour sticky substances into a measuring cup, fill it with hot water. Dump out the hot water, but don't dry the cup. Next, add your ingredient, such as peanut butter, and watch how easily it comes right out.
Foggy Windshield?
Hate foggy windshields? Buy a chalkboard eraser and keep it in the glove box of your car. When the windows fog, rub with the eraser! Works better than a cloth!
Reopening envelope
If you seal an envelope and then realize you forgot to include something inside, just place your sealed envelope in the freezer for an hour or two. Voila! It unseals easily.
Conditioner
Use your hair conditioner to shave your legs. It's a lot cheaper than shaving cream and leaves your legs really smooth. It's also a great way to use up the conditioner you bought but didn't like when you tried it in your hair...
Goodbye Fruit Flies
To get rid of pesky fruit flies, take a small glass fill it 1/2" with Apple Cider Vinegar and 2 drops of dishwashing liquid, mix well. You will find those flies drawn to the cup and gone forever!
Get Rid of Ants
Put small piles of cornmeal where you see ants. They eat it, take it "home," & can't digest it so it kills them. It may take a week or so, especially if it rains, but it works & you don't have the worry about pets or small children being harmed!
Take baby powder to the beach
Keep a small bottle of baby powder in your beach bag. When you’re ready to leave the beach sprinkle yourself and kids with the powder and the sand will slide right off your skin.
1. Open a new file in your PC .
2. Name it "Housework."
3. Send it to the RECYCLE BIN.
4. Empty the RECYCLE BIN.
5. Your PC will ask you, "Are you sure you want
to delete Housework permanently?"
6. Calmly answer, "Yes," and press mouse button firmly......
7. Feel better?
Works for me!